Keeping love in the marriage

The title of the email in my inbox on Monday was unequivocal: “Marriage happiness declines with children.”

It wasn’t exactly the warm fuzzy message I was hoping for on Valentine’s Day. But Professor Emily Oster is not known for her warm and fuzzy messages. Rather she is known for being a data cruncher and storyteller, even if it isn’t the story you want to hear. Leave it to an academic to tell it like it is.

The title was provocative enough to entice me to read on. In case you are dying to know, her article didn’t reveal anything new: (i) children are a disruption to a couple’s life that is monumental and incomparable; (ii) therefore even the most prone to preparation cannot be sufficiently prepared; (iii) chores are often the #1 grumbler in the post-child relationship, especially for women; (iv) lack of sleep makes couples cranky and more prone to criticising; and (v) there are certain ways in which couples can organize themselves to lessen tensions.

If these seem like fairly mundane messages, you are right, they are. Yet, sometimes we just need to be reminded about the old stuff, even when it seems both dull and yet intuitive at the same time. So I thought I’d walk through some of the strategies I think yield the most success in navigating parenting for a couple, building on Prof Oster’s Valentine message.

Happy Thursday!

Tips for keeping love in the relationship
Life as a parenting couple is about navigating so much that is unknown and being highly unprepared. Two individuals coming together to act as a unit is never easy, let alone when you thrown in the challenge of raising a human being. It will never be easy. This is the tough truth.

The first time round as a couple with child is especially hard because everything is new, happening in unchartered territory. Our best and worst selves come out as we try to respond to an overwhelming number of new and, quite frankly, crazy things, learn new skills, and stay sane.

But there are many ways in which couples—both as individuals and as a unit—can improve their relationship’s chances of success, especially after having kids. We’ve talked about many of these things here in this newsletter. Below I’ve recapped and added a few new thoughts.

Prioritizing your best self: this can be best described as doing the necessary to put yourself in the best frame of mind to face the day’s challenges—on a personal, familial and professional level. For some of us this might mean waking up super early to enjoy a quiet cup of coffee or tea and watch the sunrise. For others it might mean heading out early for a run or to the gym. For others it might mean meditating or doing yoga. For some it might mean a combination of all the above. The important thing is to make time for you to wake up at your own pace and frame your state of mind; rather than being jolted out of bed by a baby, toddler or child and having that be the frame for your day. As our ultra swank fellow parent Tom Ford pointed out some weeks back in my newsletter, getting up early usually entails also going to bed early. So think of these two as a package deal.

Planning is the new ‘sexy’: I have finally succumbed to planning. It took quite some time to break this wild mare in but I am now a total convert. We are a family of calendars. We have a calendar for the month which has my husband’s flying schedule mapped out, along with all social and other events. We have a calendar for holidays for the year. Then my husband and I gather every Friday to talk about the weekend plans and expectations (believe it or not weekends used to be a huge source of conflict in our house). Such as which day do we get to languish in our pajamas and make waffles versus which day we need to get the dogs out into the countryside for a long walk. What are we going to eat and who wants to do the shopping? You name it. We talk about it. Lastly there is that typical daily check-in planning to know who is picking up Clyde, who is dropping off dry cleaning, etc. This may seem like an extreme level of detail but for my husband and I this level of planning is what saves our marriage—we are both very stubborn folks who like to be in control and to plan, and whose lives are busy enough to want to minimize time spent on task. If you haven’t already tried some level of systematic planning with your partner on monthly, weekly or daily routines, I’d highly suggest it.

Sleeping as much as you can: this really cannot be overstated. Whether it is catching every single cat nap when you have an infant, or napping for an hour on the weekends when your toddler does, or going to bed at the same time as your 6 year old, the point is: SLEEP! The world looks so different after a good solid 8 hours. Yes, 8 hours is the recommended amount for an average adult.

Articulating and sharing household responsibilities: this is not just about chores. This is about the running of a household. One book I found extremely useful for laying out the universe of “stuff that needs to get done” and providing a system for dividing and owning responsibilities was Fair Play. You can read my review of it here. 

Checking in as a couple: I am an introvert and the hardest thing I found when becoming a married couple with child was communicating how I felt and how I felt about my partners’ actions. I’ve learned a lot in the last six years about communicating and I preface the following by saying that what works for me may not work for you. As an introvert, I have found that talking to my partner in order to resolve whatever tensions are arising in me is not necessarily the right first step. Often my thoughts are not entirely coherent and so I have adopted a really useful technique as laid out by SARK in her book. It is essentially a form of journalling that teases out the roots of anger, irritation or discontent. Remarkably through the journalling process (which we can equate to having a dialogue with yourself) I sometimes find out that my husband is not the source of the issue. Thereby preventing an unnecessary conversation with him. If the SARK method confirms however that something is amiss then I’ve already created a semi-coherent understanding of my emotions to share with him. Talking is not easy under any circumstances and sometimes the topic is just too fraught. This is where going to see someone as a couple can really help. My husband and I have used someone as a six-monthly check-in just to help iron out issues that we felt needed to be mediated. I cannot overemphasize how helpful this has been for us—my husband and I couldn’t be further apart personality wise and having an outsider validate your perspectives in front of your partner is extremely helpful in having then your partner understand their importance him/herself. I also knew a couple once in northern Tanzania who met once a year to review their relationship and decide whether they wanted to commit for another one. The point is there are plenty of methods for processing our emotions as individuals, parents and couples. Try playing around with a few if you haven’t already.

Grateful for each other’s role and contribution: taking time to say “thank you,” leaving a card on the pillow, sending a text, giving hugs, saying something at the table before a meal. There are so many ways that we can honor the hard and important work our partners do on a daily basis.

No one size fits all
Hopefully some of these few ideas will inspire and support you in your relationship as you navigate the trials and tribulations of modern life. The best place is just to start small and somewhere and see where it goes.

As always, drop me a line if you have ideas or comments.