The Red Chair

 

About two months ago, I took the plunge and got on Instagram. For someone who has purposefully shied away from social media for decades now, Instagram provided a relatively soft landing into the unfamiliar space of public sharing.

 

One of the gifts has been reconnecting with some people who I've known since Grade 1 (yes, you Julie!) and others since junior and high school. As these connections re-establish themselves, I've been describing to some why I have this Instagram account now, answered some questions as to whether I am a life coach (for those curious to know, I am not), and is this my full-time job (again, no). Every exchange with old friends has prompted me to think a bit harder about why I write this newsletter, why I post some tips during the week on Instagram, or why I wrote The Little A to Z some years back.

 

At the core of it is the realization that being a working professional and a parent at the same time is really hard. It's hard whether you have a strong support network or not. It's hard whether you live in a metropolis or a small town. It's hard whether you have a partner or not. It's hard whether your office is at home, a commute away, or in your backyard. But I know for myself, and the way my brain works, the alternative— of not having some slice of a life outside the home—would be much worse.

 

Some men and women thrive at childrearing and keeping the household together. I am not one of those people. In fact, there is a long history of depression in my family, partly with female ancestors who knew they had more in them than being only a mother but who never got a choice because of the societal dictates of their time. Also, I am a feminist who works for the largest international development multilateral institution in the world whose mission it to churn out data on a daily basis on all things development oriented. We reveal through research and statistics that when women are in the workforce, when women are making policy decisions for their countries and communities, and when they are in government, that not only do our economies outperform but so do indicators related to mental health and well-being.

 

Despite the evidence though, women continue to face significant personal, inter-personal and social barriers to effectively live a life outside the home on equal footing to men. As I've struggled through the first five years of parenting, I'm increasingly realizing —just as I know is true in my work at the World Bank —that it all starts with individual voice and agency. There is no space left to blame others, certainly not men. Mothers, fathers, working parents, have to become clear about what we want and to then learn how to communicate this with our partners, our friends, our employers, etc. Working and parenting will never be perfect in equal measure. But we can strive to strike a balance. That is in fact what I see as my mission: to help parents (men and women) find balance in being both a parent and a working professional.

 

All of this swirled in my head 4.5 years ago as I faced the prospect of going back to work after my maternity. And it was in a red chair in Maine that I set out to make sense of what I knew was already an overwhelming situation for me as a new mom. At the time, I worked through my emotions the way I knew best: in writing. The Little A to Z came out several years later and at the height of the pandemic. As proud as I am of the book, I doubt I will ever take on a project like that again. It consumed an enormous amount of energy from me but I do feel like it closed an important first chapter as a parent. Based on feedback from those who have used the book, it has filled a literature gap out there on those first 18 months of child rearing.

 

The question became: how to stay engaged in topics I had spent some time getting to know? Dan Blank came into my life at just the right time. Through my publisher, I benefited from a free webinar in September 2020 he was giving to She Writes Press authors like myself. From the moment he started presenting I knew he was someone who could help me figure out the next stage of my mission.

 

One of my first homework assignments with him was to create my manifesto. Turns out manifestos can be as elaborate or simple as you like. Today I want to share with you the 10 elements which form my manifesto:

 

-Be informed. Information is power, power creates confidence, and confidence allows you to make decisions you are comfortable with.

 

-Trust your instincts. Parents are drowning in “good advice,” take actions that feel right to you.

 

-Don't be afraid to put yourself first. A healthy parent and professional is one who is not depleted of all internal resources. You can best serve others by also serving yourself.

 

-Cultivate your partners and community. These are the people who share your goals to raise wonderful children and have a thriving career.

 

-Never be ashamed to ask for help (or to pay for it.)

 

-Be gentle on yourself —you are where you are and there is not much you can do about that. Work within your resources, and forgive yourself for your limits.

 

-Don't forget your own mental and physical health. Breathe, walk, meditate, workout. It not only makes you healthier, but gives you greater calm to manage your day.

 

-Commit to at least one passion/hobby that is only about you —no partner, no child, no colleagues.

 

-Practice non-violent communication with every living thing—you are a role model to your children at an extremely early age.

 

-Being willing to adapt. What works for you one season may need to evolve in the next.

 

As you read these 10 elements you may notice that they essentially group themselves around five themes:

-Community

-Career

-Health / child rearing

-Relationship with partner

-Personal well-being

 

I try to treat these themes in equal measure with my newsletter. It's a system co-developed by Dan and myself which has really helped me stay focused on a weekly basis amidst all the other daily responsibilities.

 

Why am I sharing all this with you today?

 

In part to answer some really great questions I've been fielding recently about this project. But more importantly to encourage each and every one of us to continue to create, share and encourage other working professional parents in this world. I am saddened every time I hear of another close friend or colleague struggling with postpartum when we have so many resources out there and we have each other. I hate it when a working friend who is are out there doing their bit to cool the planet by closing coal mines in Europe says they worry about being such a lousy parent. I don't want to see yet another colleague go on an extended sick leave because it all just became too much. We all need community and at the same time we are the community we all need.

 

I write this reflection today from the very same red chair here in Maine where The Little A to Z was born. It's been such an honor to share this journey with you. I hope you find some encouragement from this week's words.

 

Shoot me a line and tell me what you think is your manifesto based on the struggles you face in your own daily work and parenting life.