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I Get By With a Little Help...
Rachel Perks • Oct 16, 2021
...from my neighbors and friends
Help.
In The Little A to Z, I presented it as follows:
Today sixty-two percent of married couples are choosing to both stay in the workforce after their first child is born—a drastic increase from 1970, when only thirty one percent of households with kids were headed up by parents who both worked full-time. As a result, more than half of working parents—fifty six percent—reported that balancing work with family is difficult, especially in those early years.
One reason why the balancing act can be challenging is a lack of help. As more and more couples move into metropolises in search of work, leaving traditional family support networks behind, many roles once played by grandparents, or aunts and uncles, is being filled by paid help.
My family is no exception. With grandparents in western Canada and Maine, in the early years of child rearing, we lent on the 'pay' leg of the trinity-help-stool significantly. We had a full-time nanny after I went back to work. Despite the challenges of having to manage an employee, including staying up on all tax related matters, our nanny was an indispensable part of our family. Though subconsciously both my husband and I knew this, it was not until COVID that we fully came to appreciate everything she had done for us. Not only did she care for our son like he was her own, she kept our home spotless and walked our beloved aging dog, Murphy. When COVID hit, she chose to stay at home and we ended up leaving DC, thereby ending a 5-year relationship with her.
Post-COVID, we have been facing the “help dilemma” once again as my work resumes in-person to a small extent, and, more importantly, the international travel. In trying to get ahead of the curve on this dilemma, my husband and I started looking early on in the summer for someone to replace our former nanny. Just as the hospitality and service industries have been ringing the warning bell on limited labor supplies, the child-minding industry seems to have been equally impacted. In fact, it has been an absolute mission impossible to find help.
I started with trusted websites we had relied on the past. When nothing turned up there, I reached out to a bunch of friends who recommended some more recent apps. Despite us putting out fairly flexible 'want ads,' all our search efforts turned up blank. It seemed as though there just weren't that many people out there.
One afternoon as I stared out the kitchen window contemplating our next game move, one of my neighbors walked by. Her and her partner had frequently said, “If you need help, let us know.” But my husband and I didn't want to impose. They were grandparents to their own grandchildren. As much as I know they love our little Clyde, I didn't want to put pressure on them to accept our plea for help; or worse, for them to feel bad if they declined. But that day, as I watched her walk by, something made me heed my own advice offered in the golden trinity above: just ask.
That night I sent her a text, asking if I could pop by for a few minutes tomorrow afternoon to chat.
And so I did.
Her instant and generous response of “Absolutely” immediately released my breath, and quite frankly, the huge build-up of stress I had accumulated. We all love our work (more or less). But we love our children more. And in the end, this is where the majority of parents would concur our priority lies.
With my sails now slightly billowed by her positive response, I reached out to a second neighbor who also had intimated being willing to help. In a matter of 48 hours, I'd succeeded in securing what we needed: two drop-offs a week that would allow me to start early. And the possibility of pick-ups as need be. In addition to these two wonderful neighbors, we secured after school babysitting once a week from two girls who had been with us a few afternoons a week during COVID.
In short, in the span of one week we went from feeling rather unsure about how we could manage working and parenting to having a solid plan in place with, most importantly, people we trusted and absolutely loved.
In conclusion, beyond feeling relief at having solved this very real problem that almost every dual-working home faces, I take comfort in knowing that our son is with people who are kind, gentle, loving and thoughtful. These are families we have known for years now, whose values we share, and who I know speak to Clyde with similar lessons about life that we do. I love now that when I creep into little Clyde's bedroom on a Tuesday morning at 6:30am he throws his sheets back and dresses as quickly as he can. He is headed to Ms. Anna's and Uncle Kurt's where chocolate chip pancakes and a cute kitty cat named Kamala await him. The door is opened and his face lights up as it is met by Anna's. It leaves my heart at peace as I walk home to start my day: to know that his is starting off with a big dose of love, complete with a side of chocolate.
How have you problem solved the help dilemma? Write me at: rachel@thelittleatoz.com
In The Little A to Z, I presented it as follows:
“Here is my golden trinity with respect to help: Ask for it. Accept it when offered. Pay for it if you can.”
Today sixty-two percent of married couples are choosing to both stay in the workforce after their first child is born—a drastic increase from 1970, when only thirty one percent of households with kids were headed up by parents who both worked full-time. As a result, more than half of working parents—fifty six percent—reported that balancing work with family is difficult, especially in those early years.
One reason why the balancing act can be challenging is a lack of help. As more and more couples move into metropolises in search of work, leaving traditional family support networks behind, many roles once played by grandparents, or aunts and uncles, is being filled by paid help.
My family is no exception. With grandparents in western Canada and Maine, in the early years of child rearing, we lent on the 'pay' leg of the trinity-help-stool significantly. We had a full-time nanny after I went back to work. Despite the challenges of having to manage an employee, including staying up on all tax related matters, our nanny was an indispensable part of our family. Though subconsciously both my husband and I knew this, it was not until COVID that we fully came to appreciate everything she had done for us. Not only did she care for our son like he was her own, she kept our home spotless and walked our beloved aging dog, Murphy. When COVID hit, she chose to stay at home and we ended up leaving DC, thereby ending a 5-year relationship with her.
Post-COVID, we have been facing the “help dilemma” once again as my work resumes in-person to a small extent, and, more importantly, the international travel. In trying to get ahead of the curve on this dilemma, my husband and I started looking early on in the summer for someone to replace our former nanny. Just as the hospitality and service industries have been ringing the warning bell on limited labor supplies, the child-minding industry seems to have been equally impacted. In fact, it has been an absolute mission impossible to find help.
I started with trusted websites we had relied on the past. When nothing turned up there, I reached out to a bunch of friends who recommended some more recent apps. Despite us putting out fairly flexible 'want ads,' all our search efforts turned up blank. It seemed as though there just weren't that many people out there.
One afternoon as I stared out the kitchen window contemplating our next game move, one of my neighbors walked by. Her and her partner had frequently said, “If you need help, let us know.” But my husband and I didn't want to impose. They were grandparents to their own grandchildren. As much as I know they love our little Clyde, I didn't want to put pressure on them to accept our plea for help; or worse, for them to feel bad if they declined. But that day, as I watched her walk by, something made me heed my own advice offered in the golden trinity above: just ask.
That night I sent her a text, asking if I could pop by for a few minutes tomorrow afternoon to chat.
And so I did.
Her instant and generous response of “Absolutely” immediately released my breath, and quite frankly, the huge build-up of stress I had accumulated. We all love our work (more or less). But we love our children more. And in the end, this is where the majority of parents would concur our priority lies.
With my sails now slightly billowed by her positive response, I reached out to a second neighbor who also had intimated being willing to help. In a matter of 48 hours, I'd succeeded in securing what we needed: two drop-offs a week that would allow me to start early. And the possibility of pick-ups as need be. In addition to these two wonderful neighbors, we secured after school babysitting once a week from two girls who had been with us a few afternoons a week during COVID.
In short, in the span of one week we went from feeling rather unsure about how we could manage working and parenting to having a solid plan in place with, most importantly, people we trusted and absolutely loved.
A few things I've learned from this most recent exercise:
First, it is really important to get as clear as you can on what you actually need.
My husband and I defaulted to thinking that we needed one person to hold the fort when in fact what we actually needed were just a few holes plugged during the week. We sat down and dreamed of an ideal situation and worked through where I was feeling the greatest pinch (basically when he travels during the week).
Second, allow your minds to open up to what help looks like.
We allowed ourselves to see that help may come in multiples--literally as in people. Again we were thinking in our old DC-frame of mind where a full-time nanny was the only type of solution out there.
Third, take the risk.
You can always ask. You may get turned down but in most instances you might actually succeed!
Also I share a few tips on going about managing the generosity and volunteerism of your neighbors:
Establish a form of payment.
My husband and I talked it over before hand and agreed that we would offer remuneration. In the case of one, we have offered a tank of gas a month as compensation. With the other we have offered handy works around their house. Neither wanted cash payment (this was our first offer).
Agree on a regular schedule.
This just makes it easier for everyone. You can plan in advance. You don't feel like you are pestering people every week to set a day.
Provide your help with tools.
In the case of one couple, they needed a car seat which we swiftly bought. In the case of another, they needed some few toys to keep Clyde occupied when he comes a bit early in the morning to their house.
Recognize their generosity spontaneously.
In addition to #1 and #3, we do little things here and there. I knew one of the couples really enjoyed one of my favorite authors, Louise Penny. So I bought her Penny's recent release. In another instant, we brought the couple flowers on a random Tuesday.
How have you problem solved the help dilemma? Write me at: rachel@thelittleatoz.com
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Why women leave the workforce in greater numbers than men
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